Being home is harder than I thought, faster than I imagined. The rush of hugs and hilarity, and seeing many of my closest friends for the first time in nearly a year was so heartwarming. Waking up in my own bed was wonderful, but I also woke to the realization that I will be here indefinitely, which caused a ball of sadness to take up residence in the center of my belly. I am conflicted. This being home thing truly is bittersweet.
I changed my address, did a forensic - and terrifying - review of my finances. Every single one of my bills is due in the next 2 weeks and I am running low. My car needs to be registered and inspected. I pick up my dogs on Sunday.
I'm trying to remain calm, to just walk through this and let the feelings roll over and through me so that they'll leave more quickly and I'll stabilize faster. I've been trying to wrap my arms around the concept of grief since I left. It's impossible to find any writing about grief that's caused by a positive change (for me, leaving on my adventure), but I have a ton of resources for this more understandable end of things - the homecoming, the end of something wonderful.
Still, there's plenty of wonderful here and I plan to find it, to create it if necessary. I have a huge support network, which has vastly expanded because of my travels. Mourning in motion helps me. It's a thing I learned about myself while traveling. Go into the woods, move through it, literally. I'm finding the old paths again, and learning new ones, both in the woods and in my heart and mind. I'm spending a lot of energy reconciling the new, old me and my familiar, but changed circumstances in places I used to know intimately.
There have been changes for my people too. Sadness and struggle that wasn't shared, an enormous gift so that I could keep my head in the road, focused on myself. Now that is part of being here, change everywhere, a vertigo of the heart, swamped by happy and sad news all at once.
I'll be back to writing about my trip this week, finishing out the Midwest and Northeast, but I plan to intersperse it with writing on this transition back to a more stationary life. This is my new adventure.