I'm in a strange place these days. I feel effervescent, jumpy, pleasantly unhinged, happy, and then sad, irritable, unable to manage the most basic things. People who know me well say the change in the last few months is obvious. Two of them actually used the word Zen to describe me, a description which boggles my mind because I feel chaotic on the inside, whether happy or sad.
To be clear, I would mostly describe myself as happy-go-lucky these days. Life is good, until the screechy, moody feelings, which are rare, but all the more powerful for their increasingly extended absences. One thing I know for sure is that I simply have to let these waves wash through me. I have plenty of experience with the repercussions of fighting these times, so I let them show me the way.
There are some personal things I've been avoiding and I think the time has come to face them head-on. One of the big ones is finally losing all of the weight I gained over the past 15 years. It's a physical reminder of the choices I made, for good or ill, and the toll they took on my body. I have not taken very good care of myself, but I am beginning to and seeing some success. This time I'm in the right headspace and it really is making all the difference.
The instructor on the yoga app I use often repeats the phrase "yearn the heart forward" and today it especially made me think. I have a full, good life, but maybe there's room for more or different things and people. Maybe I need to be a little more forward-thinking with my heart, consider some options and possibilities. I am being cagey here, yes. I can't help it. There are things I can't say out loud just now, but my mind is spinning. All these months later writing here still feels like walking around without my skin on.
I think I'm also feeling raw because I've had my photograph taken approximately a million times by my friend and mentor, for a project I can't talk about yet. It had been a long time since we'd taken my photo and even though I'm so much better at it now, the process left me (both of us, really) exhausted. Good things will come of it, sometime later this year. I'm excited and terrified about the possibilities.
Doing some yoga today brought me back into my body. I've been inside the spinning top of my brain, trying madly to slow things down and iron them out without doing the most basic things, like yoga or managing my no-fail bedtime routine or getting to my beach as often as I know is good for me.
Here's to standing solidly on the Earth. May I have more of it in the coming weeks.